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Grrr, Argh.   
06:46pm 13/10/2006
  JOB HUNTING SUCKS. God, I hate it. I'm not completely and totally unemployed or anything, but I'm desperately looking for something that will get me out of Woolworths. I just hate it there, and chances are, where ever I go, I'm going to hate it there as well. The job I want I can't have yet, and I'm not qualified to do anything half decent. I swore I would not get desperate enough to consider medical experientation, but I found myself looking at their site again today. God, how sad.  
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Trip Pics   
11:30am 08/10/2006
  Melbourne Trip Pics  
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One Freaking Point   
05:39pm 03/10/2006
 
mood: content
AFL Grand Final time again, but unlike last year, we unfortunately did not come out on top this time. One lousy point was all we needed for a draw, two to win. The boys really fumbled it in the first half of the game. Oi, I could be so angry right now, but I won't be, because there's nothing sadder than seeing grown men cry. Which they did. A lot. I could cry, when I think about the hundreds of dollars this trip cost me. It might have been worth it all iftey'd pulled off the premiership again. But since they stuffed up and blew the lot, I'm wishing I'd stayed home instead.

So the Grand Final kinda sucked because we lost. But other parts of my four day holiday were good. I spent an obsene amount of money while I was down there, but it was all kinda worth while because I found some ace stuff. Junk, all of it, but ace nonetheless. I broke my diet, which I was and wasn't upset about. The fact that I'd been so stinking good for the last month and that I'd lost 6 kilos made me so angry with myself for copping out and eating rubbish all weekend. But the rest of me was so damn relieved to be eating anything other than rabbit food that I just didn't care. So I was naughty. I had McDonalds and Nandos we wined and dined at Italian, Chinese and just about every other kind of restaraunt available. Where were staying in Carlton was literally just around the corner from Melbourne's most famous cuisine district, and so we had to take advantage of that. I mean, that's like going to China and not seeing the Great Wall for heaven's sake. So the food was both divine and plentiful. Wine and beer flowed like rivers, and money rapidly disappeared from bank accounts. Very pricy stuff. But at least it was enjoyable.

We stayed in this quaint heretage terrace house, much like the ones you'd find in the Sydney Paddington area. It was split up into studios, which was a polite way of saying very small rooms. My mother brother and I stayed in a small but comfortable room which had a delightful view of a brick wall. But at night you could hear the sound of bamboo wind chimes playing in the courtyard outside. We were only a stone's throw away from Lygon St., which is famous for it's restaraunts and shopping. Incidentally it's also home to my favorite store in the world - Borders. So I sat in there one evening and read until they kicked me out at 11pm. How could I resist a Boreders in my own back yard? And if you didn't mind walking a little further, you could walk to the Queen Victoria Markets and munch on a hot Spanish doughnut while you browse. The trams were nearby, and it was great to hop a heretage tram and circle the city if you feel like a rest. But what I realy love is that they have horse drawn tours down one of the main streets there. It's so lovely to sit in a topless carriage and listen to the clop clop clop of the big dapple grey's hoofs as they pound the cobblestones.

We hopped a tram down to St. Kilda for the day and fell in love with the Sunday markets and the beach. We sat in a cafe and ordered from a breakfast menu at 2pm and wrote post cards whilst drinking chilled spring water from recycled vodka and champagne bottles. It was sunny and extremely hot, but by the afternoon the clouds rolled in and the wind picked up. We walked along the beach eating hokey pokey ice cream cones and sat on the jetty when we got tired and watched the terns hunting for fish. We hopped a tram back to the city when it got dark and found ourselves a cafe for dinner and then walked through the divine Carlton gardens. That had to be the most perfect day in my most recent memory, I think.

The weather was unlike anything I'd ever experienced. One minute it was boiling hot, and then it was freezing cold, then windy, then raining, and then lke a perfect spring day. Unbelievable. We never knew how to dress because it was guarenteed that whatever we wore would be inappropriate at the end of the day. I swear, it was four seasons in one day. Bizzare. But overall it was pretty good to us.

On our last morning I caught a tram out to St. Kilda again and visited the Victorian College for te Deaf, just because. We hear a lot about it in class, and I wanted to be able to say, "Yep, I've been there.". It's the most beautiful old building, almost castle-like, and built in the Victorian blue stone which is very distinctive. It's everywhere down in St. Kilda, and he complete opposite of the Sydney sand stone you find everywhere here. I had a brief great/terrifying talk to one of the teachers, and took a few pictures, and then I left, because I hate feeling like a student, and talking to old signers just destroys my confidence!

We flew home in the late afternoon and sitting on the bus going home from the air port, looking at the familiar Sydney skyline, made me realise I couldn't live in Melbourne. It's a very pretty city in parts, very quaint and formal and the people were lovely. But I've lived in Sydney all my life and although it's not what I'd call exciting, it's got a helluva lot more than Melbourne!
 
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E pur cosi. . . Piangero la sorte mia   
12:42pm 22/09/2006
  E pur cosi un giorno
perdo fasti,
e grandezze?
Ahi, fato rio!
Cesare, il mio bel nume,
e forse estinto;
Cornelia e Sesto
inermi son,
ne sanno darmi soccorso.
O dio! Non resta alcuna
speme al viver mio.

Piangero
la sorte mia,
si crudele e tanto ria
finche vita
in petto arvo.

Ma poi morta
d'ogni intorno
il tirrano e notte e giorno
fatta spettro
agitero

Piangero . . .
 
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12:24pm 22/09/2006
  I haven't updated in so freaking long, I'm surprised I could remember my own sign in name and password. I've been busy, but I've also been so freaking depressed it's been hard to do anything, and updating this journal was far down on my list of priorities under moping, and crying, and being numb. I don't know what's been wrong with me. It's like someone's severed the connection between my brain and the rest of my body. I've been walking around in a daze for the last couple of months, sleepwalking from place to place, there and yet not. If you asked me what I've done in the last three months, I simply couldn't tell you. I don't know myslef. I've let everything get on top of me and I've been crushed beneath the weight. It's a suffocating weight on my chest and I'm asfixiating slowly a little more each day. I can't keep this up.

Some part of me that is still awake knows this will pass, but it's so hard to believe at the same time. It's hard to get out of bed in the morning, it's hard to do anything. I haven't felt like this in a long time, I'd forgotten how heavy it is to carry. It's like trying to swim through mollases, struggling just to lift your arm one more time to make one more stroke. It's that drawn out terror of downing one day at a time, one breath at a time. Sinking.

It's just been week after week of upheavals. And the worst part is that I knew some of them were coming and I thought I'd b able to deal with them. And yet here I am. I always considered myself to be adaptive and practical. I always thought I could deal with any situation thrown at me. I believed I could take it in my stride. But these last few weeks have all but knocked me to my knees. My perception of myself has been rendered completely inaccurate. And that scares me to death. Becasue if I'm not who I thought I was, who the Hell am I?
 
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Hehehehe   
09:45pm 19/04/2006
  Man, oh, man, I am so drunk right now. I really should get more drunk more often. ::giggle::  
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RIP my little Kelsie   
08:13pm 02/04/2006
 
mood: crushed
My poor dog, Kelsie, died today. I didn't think I could cry so hard. Ever. Oh, God, I think my heart is broken. My poor baby.
 
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Randomness   
10:10pm 12/03/2006
 
mood: bored
I took this photo in the summer of last year sometime. I only just got around to posting it. But I just love the blossoms on the jaccarandah tree, and it's just a beautiful old church, inside and out. So pretty and summery. Lovely.



St. Andrews Cathederal
 
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Gah   
09:53pm 12/03/2006
 
mood: cranky
I really, really don't want to go to work tomorrow.
 
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::bangs head against desk::   
04:38pm 09/03/2006
 
mood: aggravated
I hate performance evaluations. I hate them. There's nothing like a performance evaluation to shatter one's confidence about one's work skills. Gaaah.

But at least it's over now. But I would like muchly to evaluate my boss and see how she takes some of my observations about her performance of late. I swear. This had better lead to the pay raise they've been promising me for the last six months or I swear, I'm going job hunting.
 
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::jingles car keys::   
08:32pm 05/03/2006
 
mood: giggly
I HAVE A CAR!!! I got it yesterday and I can't believe I actually have a car! Okay, so I can't drive it by myself yet, but soon enough! I'm going to be orking very hard over the next couple of months to pay off my debts so I can start putting money towards driving lessons. I want to be uber confident with my parking before I attempt the "P's" test, and I need some more practice with merging too.

A car is just going to open up so many doors of possibility for me. And besides that, it's going to make my life so much easier now. Fuck Sydney transport! If I can get there by bus and if I'm not in a hurry, I'll endure bus or train. But for eveything else from now on, I'm driving baby! Sosososososososososo happy!

I'm now so much in debt. And the worst part is, I haven't even taken care of the insurance issue yet. I spent ages looking at prices for comprehensive cover, and no matter who I go with, it'd set me back thousands. I just don't have that kind of dough lying around. Compulsary 3rd party is going to be the best I can do until I win the lottery.

But wheeeeeeeee! I have a car! All to myself! Well, almost. It's in my name, but bought with my grandfather's money, so I guess it's not really mine. But I own the club lock and the windscreen sun shade. And brobably by next week, I'll own one of the tyres. By this time next year, I should probably own the engine. Yay to me!
 
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Five Years Without Getting Fired!   
09:53pm 19/02/2006
 
mood: pleased
I was at work today, minding my own business, scanning and packing, when one of my supervisors told me to close up my register. I was somewhat worried because I wasn't due to go home for another three hours, and I wasn't due for a break. I was thinking to myself; Oh, God, what have I don't wrong? I closed up and I went to the service desk only to be told that I was meant to be having my five year celebration but it was too busy and I had to get back on my register.

God, 5 years at Woolies. Scary. But it was nice. When it quietened down I went out back to the break room and found the bosses and a handful of staff there all wanting to get in on the free cake. It was a huge cake, unfortunately I was unable to get a shot of it because I didn't have my camera with me. I was presented with my 5 years of service pin, 10 pink long stemmed roses, a big box of Lindt chocolates, a certificate of achievement and appreciation, and yeah, the cake. I was very flattered, and I think I was blushing a lot, but it was really very thoughtful. I made my speech and put up with the embarrasing stories told by my bosses and then I scoffed down my piece of cake and basically got paid for 20 minutes of speech making and cake eating. Yay to me!

Jordan was so pissed because all he got was the pin and certificate in the mail and no such party. Hah, I'm special! Shiny!

My Gifts
 
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"If I Wanted Schooling, I'd Have Gone To School."   
12:36pm 19/02/2006
 
mood: accomplished
Been back at TAFE now for two weeks, and wow, it's great to be back. Couldn't believe how much I missed it during the holidays. Not that I was ever wishing the summer break away, but I really do consider class a lot of fun, call me crazy. Started back now as a third year student to a whole new meaning of the word "study" and "hard work".

Certifiace III in Auslan is meant to be a two year course, but people were complaining that it took too long and so they compacted it into one year. So now we have double the material to study in half of the time. Go figure. Don't get me wrong, it's great. I love the course and the teacher and I feel privilaged to be studying it. But now that they've extended the class to four hours a night I get home so late and I'm so tired. After two hours it's very hard to focus. And then there's the arriving home at midnight thing and starting work at 6.30 the next morning.

And because it's now a one year course, all the work they couldn't cram into actual classes has become homework and assessments. I'm used to neither, these days, at it's surprisingly hard to find time for practice and study at the moment. On the up side, I was talking to my teacher, and she says that at the end of this year, I can go for my NAATI exam, and if I pass, I'll be a qualified para-professional interpreter. I said that since our class would only have been studying Auslan for three years at that stage, is that really enough to be an interpreter? She said yes, and what's more, she told me that she though I'd make a great interpreter. All I need is more practice. Yay! I couldn't have been happier when she told me that!

So maybe I won't be stuck packing bags for Woolies for the rest of my life after all. Maybe this is my way out.
 
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"The Engine Driver" - The Decemberists   
10:18pm 08/02/2006
 
mood: drained
And I am a writer, writer of fictions
I am the place that you call home
And I've written pages upon pages
Trying to rid you from my bones
 
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I'm Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!   
10:29pm 04/02/2006
 
mood: giddy
Watch out world, this girl now has wheels! Well, not yet, but by the end of the month. Whoo!! ::Massive happy dance:: I heard through the extended grapevine of the estate that a nice 1994 red Toyota Camry sedan was up for sale. I was so desperate for a car and so desperately short of time to go hunting for cars out of the trading post, that I enquired straight away. The owner was a friend of friend of my mother's, and he had kept the car in good condition. He had, however, just leant the car to his friend visiting from the UK to drive down to Melbourne of all places. So the car has just finished a massive trip and pushed the metre up to around the 200,00 kilometre mark, and wear out the tires. Unfortunate timing for me.

But the English dude got back from Melboune a couple of days ago, and he dropped the car around for a test drive this morning. I stoor on the front porch of my house and stared at the shiny red vehicle, and knew I'd be buying it. I just had a good feeling somehow. My brother and one of his mates came around and popped the hood for me and gave it a once over before we took it out on the road. They swung it around corners and slammed on the breaks and put it through it's paces, but could find no fault with it's handling. My mother's boss is a bit of a rev head and he inspected it for us from top to bottom, and was in agreeance with my brother and his mate. It was a good buy.

Finally, I had a chance to take it for a spin. It's a similar model to my mother's car, three years newer than the one I learned to drive in. It handled really well, the engine was quiet and peaked just right, and the steering and brakes were flawless. I didn't want to stop driving, but eventually we had to return it. The only problem that we could see short of an actual inspection that needed to be addressed were the tires, which are in need of replacing. But everything seemed to be in order.

But I was anxious because I didn't have any money saved for a car. The asking price was around $4000, but we were hoping to talk him down a bit, because of the high milage and the old tires. The price was reaonable, but even so, I just didn't have that sort of cash lying around. I'd figured I was going to have to go to the banks for a personal load, but it was not something I was anxious to do. I really wanted the car, especially since it was unlikely I'd find another car in good condition for around the same price. I wasn't sure if the banks would approve my loan application.

But my granparents have volunteered to loan me the money for the car. I couldn't believe it, when they told me. It wasn't something I'd even considered, asking them for help. But they offered, and it was the perfect solution to my cash problem. I'll have the car by the end of the month. I just can't believe it. I'm so excited! I will no longer be a slave to the Sydney transport system!

Of course, I'm going to have to get my red "P's" first, but I think I'm nearly ready. Once I'm a P plater I can drive to my TAFE courses and back. I can get there in 20 minutes and I'll get home before 10 pm, whereas on the buses I wouldn't get home with the new class times until midnight. I can drive to North Rocks to volunteer at the RIDBC and I'll be able to work Sundays and public holidays and after 6pm. I can do just about anything I want with a car! It's so damn awesome!!

Of course, I'll have to pay it off. And it's going to need servicing and insurance and petrol. It's going to bleed me of about $2000 - $3000 a year, approximately. It's a lot of money, but it's also a little bit of freedom. All I ask is a car and a road map to steer her by.

Now imagine this car in red.

1994 Toyota Camry Sedan
 
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Registration Day   
09:03pm 04/02/2006
 
mood: annoyed
The annual TAFE regisatration and enrolment day is always a happy day for me. It means that I am about to go back to studying the subject I hold near and dear to me. And for every year before now, it hasn't cost me a single cent.

But this year, I start a new certificate, and with the new level comes a new price. A price of just under $600. It's not a lot of money, and I think it's good value for what we're about to study. But I'd completely forgotten that it was so much, and so I suddenly found myself in a bit of a pickle. I'd spent all of my money on the aboveforementioned trip to the sunny state and other holiday and general living expenses. So the big day rolled around and I looked in all of my bank accounts, but no $580. I checked my abused credit card, no $580. Noooot good.

I ran from one source to the other, begging and pleading for loans. At one stage I thought I might have to sell my second kidney on the black market to pay for this course. But thankfully, I was able to scrounge together just enough cash to deposit onto my credit card and enroll. What a day. I was so happy that I was enrolled and about to start my new Auslan 3 course, but so freaking depressed that I had to borrow nearly $600 to make it happen.

And it's all my own fault. I know I'm terrible with money, I'm an impulse shopper. I see, I want, I buy. All kinds of things. I've been working for 5 years and I haven't saved a cent. And this year I have to pay for two TAFE courses and two trips and a car as well, and God only knows what other expenses are going to crop up. And they will, of course. I have to start handling my money more responsibly and soon, or I'm going to be packing bags at Woolworths forever.

Paid In Full
 
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No, No, No, No, No!! The Holidays *Can't* Be Over!!   
08:33pm 01/02/2006
 
mood: full
Ahh, sweet denial eases the pain. It's been now five weeks since the school term finidhed. Since then we're had Christmas and the New Year, Australia Day and now the Chinese New Year. It's been wonderful; entire days with nothing to do but sit around the house and vege out. I couldn't be happier. When you think about it, what do you need beside a TV, a stack of books and pizza during the holidays? I'm just ignoring the days that I had to work and focusing on the days of lazy bliss where I shortened my "to read" list and "to watch" list and expanded my waistline due to a lack of real exercise and a surplus of too good to pass up food. Jeeze, do I know how to have a good time or what?

My big holiday thing was my trip to Queensland for just over a week. I went and stayed with my dear friend Chupa who allowed me to invade her home in Toowoomba for a couple of days before we made the pilgrimage to the coast. All the typical holidaysey activities ensued; theme parks and swimming and wining and dining and picnics in the park. It was all very divine and I was sorely tempted to suspend reality indefinately and remain in the paradise that is the Gold Coast. Alas, I had to return to humble Sydney after my week was up, but refreshed and rejouvinated and almost ready to return to work and tackle the new year.

Now the first week is finished. Thank whatever Gods/Godesses are listening! The first week is always the hardest, and I'm so very intensely relieved that it is finished. Now all I have to do is survive the next ten weeks and it'll be holiday time again! Yayness! It's not like I'm counting or anything >.< This year I'm *finally* getting around to starting the Aikido classes I've been thinking about for the last couple of years. The instructor is an ex student of my parents and offered my brother and I free lessons for a year when we were ready. My brother can't make it, but I'm resolving to do it. It's about freaking time I got into shape and started learning how to defend myself. It's gonna be hard, but I think I'll also enjoy it. I need a little more socializing, and this is a good way of meeting people, *and* learning a new skill.

Well, now the holidays are nothing but a strange and wonderful dream, and I've only been back at work for a week and I'm exhausted, but I feel optimistic about this year and I can't wait to get back to all of my normal little routines and activities. Still, can't help but notice it's only ten more weeks until the holidays again. Not that I'm counting, or anything.
 
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New Years Eve, I'm Meant To Be Out Partying, Right? WRONG!!   
11:59pm 01/01/2006
 
mood: depressed
Diagram of Disaster

Uuuuuggh! ::thunks head against desk:: How did I get roped into babysitting on New Years Eve? How is it possible that I was just about the only person not out gawking at the $4,000,000 fireworks display in Sydney Harbour, or out getting tanked on NYE spirit? I should have been dancing and drinking and wearing glowsticks and making stubbie towers. I should have been singing "aud lang syne" at the top of my lungs, stumbling around the streets in heels and possibly passing out in the gutter from the mixture of alcohol, dehydration, exhaustion, and heat exposure.

I mean, doesn't that sound grouse?

Instead I was stuck in a rocking chair for half the night with a 9 month old baby crying in my ear for no apparent reason. I hate it when kids cry and you don't know why! So frustrating, and I think I lost at least 5% of the hearing in my left ear. Gaaaaawd. No, wait, now I remember why I agreed to that torture. The parents paid me $100 bucks for the night. That nice green note is helping to finance my little trip next week. Still, I don't know if it was worth it. I missed out on the biggest party event of the year, and like I said before, I think it damaged my hearing. Gah.
 
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My 2006 Christmas Haul   
03:50pm 25/12/2005
 
mood: satisfied
Soooo many good things this year, I was so blown away by the thougtfulness of my family and friends. Christmas day has been awesome, have enjoyed it so much. Every year is pretty much the same, but I'm just really enjoying being with my family today. Yay for Christmas!

- iPod Nano 4G
- Gold nacklace
- 6 piece beaded bracelet set
- Kincrome pocket Xacto knife
- Kincrome 3 piece torch/lantern set
- 2006 Calendar "Birds of Australia"
- CD: Sarah McLachlan "Bloom"
- CD: Craig Armstrong "Film Works 1995 - 2005"
- CD: Mazzy Star "So Tonight That I Might See"
- Book: Thelwell's "Pony Cavalcade"
- Book: Thelwell's "Pony Panorama"
- Book: Margaret Atwood "The Handmaid's Tale"
- Book: Peter West "The Handwriting Analyst's Toolkit"
- Book: Peter West "The Complete Illustrated Guide To Palmistry"
- Book: Dave Eggers "How We Are Hungry"
- Book: Chuck Palahniuk "Invisible Monsters"
- Book: James Herriot's "Cat Stories"
- DVD: The X-Files Season 5, Part 1
- DVD: The Muppet Show, The Complete Season 1 Collection
- DVD: Tru Calling, Season 1, Part 1
- DVD: Tru Calling, Season 1, Part 2
- DVD: Tru Calling, The Complete Season 2 Collection
- DVD: Fight Club
- $80 cold hard cash
- $20 Sanity gift card

And more chocolate than I could ever eat in a lifetime. I am so going to Hell for eating all this!!
 
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My new Icon That I Can't Use Because It's Too Damn Big   
01:34am 25/12/2005
 
mood: annoyed
I DID NOT!
 
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